Time to Catch up

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged, over a year, actually. There has been much that has happened since I last wrote, so here is the somewhat condensed version.

Last May I had the pleasure of going down to Denton to Guyer High School to see George Parks play with the GHS band. It was great because I had never really heard him play tuba before. He studied Tuba with Arnold Jacobs!! I think that is so cool. The concert was great and I enjoyed seeing old friends.

Last summer was great. Teaching DMA's and a trip to Vegas! Totally awesome. Went on a helicopter ride over the Hoover Dam and West Rim of the Grand Canyon. Great trip. DMA was awesome as usual. If I only had known then what I know now!!

September 16, 2010 my life changed forever. Many lives changed forever. My dear friend and mentor George N. Parks passed away. He had a heart attack. You always know that at some point you are going to have to say "goodbye" to people, but you're never prepared for it. We all went through the end of every summer expecting that the next summer would be the same. We all did the hugs and the "Friends" line and went on our merry way. If we'd only known.

It's been six months now. There are days when things feel normal and I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call my friend. Then there are days when I know that's not possible. I think about his dynamic personality and way of winning kids over. His way of reaching people and of motivating them to be excited about what they are doing! I can only aspire to be the type of teacher that he was. I think of him every day and I miss him a lot. I wonder if that part ever changes.

On Christmas Eve my grandmother passed away. She had been sick on and off for the past few years, but it was still a surprise. At least we were all there. My Grandpa had her cremated even though they had burial plots and decided against having services, which was sort of bizarre. I'm a firm believer that services are not for the dead, but for those who are left behind.

Enough about death. We all miss and continue to love those we have lost. We continue about our daily lives in a way that we hope they will be proud of us.

I added a new member to the family. Hadley came to live with me New Year's Eve. She's super cute and too smart for her own good. She and Beethoven are getting along quite well. He has finally settled down (thank goodness) and become an enjoyable cat!!

I'm in Spring Break mode now. I really need to be doing productive stuff, like LAUNDRY!! My favorite, but I've been too busy surfing the web reading stuff about the Japan Nuclear crisis and watching bad tv.

Stuff at school has been going pretty ok. We have a new principal and that's been interesting. They kids are doing pretty well and I think they're excited about our spring concert music.

I'm going to do my best to update more frequently and not only when I'm sad!! Also, I'll try to post some more pictures soon!! I hope you are all well! Happy St. Patty's Day!!

iTunes Fun

Here are the rules:

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

4. Tag 6 friends.

5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.

6. Have Fun!

Well, I borrowed this from Norbyguy...this should be interesting.

1. If someone asks "Are you okay?", you say?

Unwritten - Vitamin String Quartet (But, it's the Natasha Beddingfield song)

2. How would you describe yourself?

You've Got A Friend - James Taylor

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?

Till There Was You - Music Man

4. How do you feel today?

I Can't Sleep - Clay Walker

5. What is your life's purpose?

As Long As He Needs Me - Oliver!

6. What is your motto?

What Gets in the Way - Sharon Little

7. What do your friends think of you?

Over the Rainbow - Judy Garland

8. What do you think about very often?

I Guess You Had to Be There - Craig Morgan

9. What is 2+2?

Who Was She? - Nico Muhly (From The Reader sountrack)

10. What do you think of your best friend?

It Won't Be Long Now - from In The Heights

11. What is your life story?

Death Came and Got Me - Rosie Thomas

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Leap of Faith - Kenny Loggins

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?

Memory - Barry Manilow

14. What will you dance to at your wedding?

And So it Goes - Billy Joel

16. What is your hobby/interest?

Marriage Tango - from I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change

17. Whats your biggest fear?

I Need You - Tim McGraw/Faith Hill

18. What do you want right now?

Daniel's Ninth Cipher - The DaVinci Code

19. What do you think of your (boy/girl)friend?

Open Arms - Journey

20. What is your favorite song??

Symphony No. 2, Op. 30 "Romantic" - Howard Hanson

I don't know what happened to poor #15

I'm not gonna tag anyone to do this, but...you should do it. It's fun :)

Cabinet - 1, Me - 0

So, this morning, my kitchen cabinet jumped out and attacked me. Now, my face HURTS... I mean, I know it hurts other people a lot, but not it's hurting me too. OMG.... I have to be the clumsiest person on the planet. My mom said, "I don't know about you." Well, duh, mom...you've never known what to do about me. Anyway...here's my consolation prize....

Now, for all of you who have known me forever...yes, I am very clumsy. Do we really have to still make jokes about this? I think not. Could you please refrain...like this isn't already embarrassing?? Please and thank you.

Footprints in the Sand

If you know me, you know that I love lyrics. Not long ago I was listening to my iTunes and discovered a new favorite song. Most of the time I'm very music moody. I listen to music all day, and sometimes it sounds...well, not so good. When I come home, I usually do very little listening and if I do listen, it's usually pop music. I have A LOT of music on my iTunes/iPod. A LOT of music. So much that I don't even know what's on there, but I had it on shuffle and this song came on.

I don't know about you, but I can hear a song I've heard 700 times before, and pending on what mood I'm in, what my frame of mind is, who I'm with, etc. a song can suddenly take on a new meaning. Anyway, this was one of those songs. Currently, it means a lot to me. It gives me hope.

Footprints in the Sand

Recorded by: Leona Lewis

Written by: Richard Page, David Kreuger, Per Magnusson, & Simon Cowell

You walked with me

Footprints in the sand

And helped me understand where I'm going

You walked with me

When I was all alone

With so much unknown along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you

I'm always there

When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I'll carry you

When you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life

Flash across the sky

So many times have I been so afraid

And just when I have thought I've lost my way

You gave me strength to carry on

That's when I heard you say

I promise you

I'm always there

When you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

And when I'm weary

I know you'll be here

And I can feel you

When you say

I promise you

I'm always there

When you're heart is filled with sadness and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand

Things change...

It has been an insanely long time since I've updated, and many things have happened since May of 2009! The quick version is in June and July I taught a few camps with the George N. Parks Drum Major Academy, something I've been doing for almost 10 years. I moved out of my mom's house on August 1, and immediately after we started summer marching band rehearsals. Shortly after that, we started school. This summer I also went on a trip to Chicago to watch a Cubs game. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Since school has started, there has been a lot that has happened. I'm always amazed at how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Situations, friends...I guess that's all part of life, however, I'm really struggling with this one.

When I lived with my mom, I always thought that my friends never came over to the house to hang out because I lived with my mom. So, I always went to them. Then I moved. My friends still don't come over. You see, what I've realized is that, it was convenient when I lived with my mom because I always went to them. There was no responsibility to come to me. The funny thing is, I moved out. There are no rules as to when people can or can't come over...and still, no one is here. I don't remember the last time a friend came over to just spend time with me. I don't remember the last time a friend called me just to see what was going on, or if everything was okay. I don't remember the last time I got a text that wasn't from facebook, or work related.

I guess what I'm saying is all of my "friends" were on the committee for me to move out of my mom's house. Do I regret that I did? Well, the jury is still out on that, but had I known that I was going to feel so alone and abandoned I might not have done it. I felt so pressured to take that step and stupidly thought that my friends would continue to be there and would continue to support me. What I didn't realize was it was them saying, "Get your own place so you stop bugging the shit out of me." I wish I would've seen it then. I wish I would've seen that talking to me or spending time with me was a burden. I would've walked away sooner. I would've gotten out to save myself before all of this happened.

I am a burden to everyone I love. What is wrong with me? Why does this always happen? Is my lot in life to always be alone?

My consolation prize? I've finally realized I'll never be a part of the club. Always the odd one out, the last person anyone ever things of. Never good enough, but in seeking approval and acceptance will do anything for anyone. Stupid, I know. I'm soon to be 28 and still seeking acceptance. Acceptance I will never find anywhere. I have never felt so alone.

I don't know, maybe I should just pack it up and start over. Move to the mountains, or the beach. Somewhere I don't know anyone, then I would expect to feel this way. Maybe I'll just find my rock to crawl under and wake up in a new life. One where people love me for who I am and have and want to spend time with me. I want to find a place where I fit in, where people understand me, and if they don't, they love me anyway.

I don't know that I'll ever find any of that, but I do hope that sometime soon, I am able to accept all that has happened with people I would've done anything for. I hope I am able to understand how people can be so hurtful, even if they don't mean to be. I hope I am able to understand how someone who supposedly cares about you can see you hurting and just walk away. I hope I am able to press forward and leave this all behind me. I hope I am able to trust again, to open up to love and be loved.

Death Came and Got Me

As you all have probably figured out, I am a big fan of lyrics.  I find it interesting that certain lyrics strike me differently pending on what's going on in my life.  Currently I'm in a major holding pattern, and it's killing me.  But, there is nothing I can do but wait.  However, part of me wishes I could just leave the majority of this behind me and start over.  I know that isn't possible, and I will have to deal with the results, no matter what they may be.

Here are some lyrics I heard on my way home this afternoon.  Although I relate to most of the lyrics, there are three lines that I relate to very well.

Death Came And Got Me 

By Rosie Thomas

I can't, I can't stop crying
Everyday I’m so afraid
Afraid of dying
Death already came and got me
Cause I’m not living...
I'm not living anyway...

And who am i supposed to be?
Everybody seems to see except for me
Who cares anyway....
Cause when it's over,
It's all over, and what you gain you throw away

When will love ever find me?
All my life all I’ve craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway...
Cause when it's over,
All that matters is the love you gave away

Stand Back Up

"Stand Back Up" by Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot, 
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, 
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before, 
I may stumble, yeah I might fall, 
Only human aren't we all? 
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say, 

I will stand back up, 
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough, 
Sometimes im afraid, and i don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up, 

I've been beaten up and bruised, 
I've been kicked right off my shoes, 
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe, 
When the darkness tries to get me, 
There's a light that just wont let me, 
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, 
But I'll stand back up, 

I've weathered all these stroms, 
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly, 
What don't kill you makes you stronger, 
When I take my last breath, 
That's when I'll just give up, 

So, go ahead to take your best shot, 
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, 
You might win this round but you can't keep me down, 

'Cause I'll stand back up, 
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough, 
Sometimes im afraid and I don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up, 

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough, 
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up.