Wow. I don't even know where to start. We finished up our run of "Thoroughly Modern Millie." Everyone involved with the show did such a wonderful job, and I am proud of all of them!! It wasn't an easy show to put together, but it all worked out!!! I was very proud, and honored to be a part of it.
My first clue that Friday was not going to be a good day...I forgot my good friend Jack's birthday. I NEVER forget his birthday. We MET on his birthday. I felt awful.
I am not ready to talk about the rest of the frustrations and disappointments that Friday brought. I will just say that I was oh so glad when it was over. I'm the type of person who can be very disappointed, but tries to be very understanding. My being understanding doesn't mean that the disappointment doesn't hurt or that it's okay. It just means that I try to realize that in situations where people are concerned, anything goes. So, after having a crappy day at school (so crappy that I came home to take a nap and cried myself to sleep and I HATE CRYING!!) and then events before the show, I really tried to throw up my walls, all to no avail.
I try so hard to protect myself, to protect my heart. Of course it never works out, so I don't even know why I try. Actually, where I generally get into trouble is when I trust people. I don't know why I always have hope that things will be different, that people will follow through when they say they're going to do something. I take responsibility for part of it. It's partly my fault, because I allowed myself to get my hopes up. Such a stupid thing to do where people are concerned. I won't let it happen again. I can't. I can't deal with the fallout. I would think that the people that are close to me that know me, that know of my family and my past would know that. Apparently I'm really good at hiding that part of me. Needless to say, I had to pull myself together to play the show, which is not always an easy thing for me to do.
Saturday was OYS Guest Conductor rehearsal day. The conductor was great and I believe that it was a good experience for the kids. The day, overall, was quite frustrating and hurtful. Throwing up walls is my way of not having to deal with what I'm feeling. In turn, this means that things start to snowball. Saturday, we have our staff meeting. Fine. Some of the stuff we talked about really bothered me, however, I'm just the grunt of the organization, so my thoughts or opinions don't matter even though I have devoted 15 years of my life to their cause. I'm good enough to be the "sub" but not good enough to be included in any of the "big boy" conductor things...like, lunch with the guest, or even being introduced to the guest. That might've been nice, and such a novel idea. I'm on the conducting staff, for Heaven's sake!!! "We want you to be a part of our team when it's convenient for us." "You are only a part of the team when we need you to bail us out." That's what everything that happened Saturday morning said to me. Up go the walls.
Saturday night at the show I was not in a great mood. I was really just trying to hold it all together. I walk in, get my stuff out..no big deal. We're about half way through the first act and the conductor gives the count off for a tune and all of the sudden the box starts playing and I start playing and we're a beat apart and I couldn't catch it. I had no idea where we were in the midst of the stupid opening of the stupid song. So, I stopped playing. Keep in mind, when I started playing, I was with the conductor!!! Apparently she and I were both wrong. Great... well, that was the FINAL straw. I could hold it together no longer. I freaking cried through the rest of the first act. I almost couldn't play. It was AWESOME!! I felt so stupid and I was so angry at myself. It took all I had not to pack my stuff at intermission and go home. Of course, I may have wanted to pack and run, but I would never do that. I couldn't ever do that. That's not who I am.
Sunday morning I get up and head back to Edmond for the concert and more Guest Conductor fun. Should be an easy day, right? Well, one thing I can't stand is people that think they are too good to do something like take tickets, sell tickets, greet parents...whatever needs to be done. There was a conductor who actually laughed at me for doing those things. I wanted to punch him in the face. I was NOT a happy person. Here he is, supposed to be a leader, and he is to good to do the menial tasks. And we wonder why our kids are the way they are?? Give me a break. I'm a firm believer of doing what needs to be done, because it needs to be done.
I'm so tired of feeling like I don't fit anywhere. I'm very lost professionally and personally right now, and I feel like I'm all alone. Like no one understands, or care to try. Part of that is my fault. The walls are up and it doesn't look like they're coming down any time soon. For those of you that don't know...this is called a full shutdown.
Ironically, in the midst of all of this crap, a friend that I hadn't spoken to for 3 months (long story) called. It's like he always knows when things are falling apart, even from 1500 miles away. I appreciate that, and am glad we got to talk, even though it was a fairly short conversation. I needed a friend, and of all the people...well, I never expected it to be him.
I'm going to close this out with a few postsecrets....Enjoy
