dream

I just woke up from the most awful dream. I hate that!! It was one of those that started pretty good and then kinda got a little weird them boom! Out of nowhere turns horrible.

The cliff notes version... This dream consisted of a great date. Running into an old friend who was included in the after party. Me pissing my date off and ultimately, after my old friend staked her claim on my date/boyfriend, my leaving the cabin upset and getting lost in the woods wandering around crying.

Horrible, awful, weird. At least I woke up before the ax murderer or being eaten by some critter.

Now to try to get some rest.

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Thoughts on Sugar Beach

It is never good for me to have an extended amount of "down" time.  My overactive mind makes up for all of the things that are actually NOT happening.  Tomorrow, I will be productive, because today got me way too far into my head.  

I've just started the book "The House at Sugar Beach".  So far, it's pretty good...a little slow to start, but it's starting to get pretty interesting.  I like stories with historical value, and this is most definitely one of them.  It is about a woman who grew up in Liberia before the coup in 1980.  I'm sure as I get further into the book I will write more about it.  However, this evening, the thought that I have been pondering is this.."We are all slaves to our own demons."  

We are all slaves to the things that make us who and what we are.  I have had ample opportunity to reflect.  And as I typed that last sentence, I hear Nick Nolte's voice and I can see the scene right as the movie Prince of Tides is ending where he's talking about saying "Lowenstein" as he crosses the bridge on the way home every day.  

I think that over all, I am a slave to fear.  So much of my life has been spent in "fight or flight" mode.  I constantly live with the "I'll never be good enough" cloud hanging over my head.  When I was in college, there were days that I thought, "Why did they ever let me in here?  I'm not good enough to be here.  I'm not like any of these people."  I have always struggled to fit in, and am generally uncomfortable in my own skin.  

I think of a quote one of my friends always says,  "Do you do what you do to be who you are, or to get away from who you are?"  I don't even know if I can answer that question.  What I do is so much a part of who I am, and in thinking back on a time not so long ago that it was questionable whether or not I would be capable of doing that thing, I found myself so lost.  It's funny that even with all of that, I still question whether or not I am capable of being a good teacher or more specifically, a good band director.  There are some people that would say that my questioning all of those things is what makes me good at what I do.  I'm not so sure.  I think in many ways, it is a liability.  

One of my clarinet students reminds me so much of me in many ways.  I feel like such a hypocrite when I say things like, "All you have to do is believe in yourself.  Believe that you can do it.  You can play this stuff.  Breathe and blow.  Play for you!"  Those are all things that I want my students to be able to do, but those are things that to this day I have issues with!  

I feel that it is much easier to believe in other people.  It's much easier to support other people than it is to believe in oneself.  However, the more I think about that statement, the more I wonder if it is truly possible to believe in other people if one doesn't believe in oneself.  AND, how twisted is it to believe in something you have no control over, yet dismiss the things that you know are true.  It is twisted, however, it is easier to see the good in other people than it is to look in the mirror and see the good in oneself.  

I was reading one of those filly-outty survey things earlier today and one of the questions was, "What would you change about yourself?"  I think my answer would have to be nothing.  The events of my life have shaped who I am.  If I weren't me, then I might not be doing what I do, and I might not have the friends that I have.  But, just because that's my answer doesn't mean I don't think about it.  Who would I be had my family always been behind me 100%?  Who would I be if I spent less time being afraid to try new things and more time trying them?  

All of this is easy for me to say, but can I just tell you, trying new things scares the hell out of me.  Most people don't know of my inner demons.  I choose not to share those.  I don't often talk of family or hopes or dreams.  Speaking of those things makes me really uncomfortable.  I was talking with someone the other day and I said something like, "Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm just a really good faker."    Good faker or not, all of these issues are constantly something I battle.  

This has gone way too deep for this time of night.  I believe it is time for me to stop rambling now.  I hope you are all doing well.

Godspeed, dear friends.

music store clinic...

Ok. I made it to Tulsa. This lady just walked in with a hat comparable to the Aretha Franklin inaugural hat minus the bow. Today's goal...get a picture of it.

This will prove to be an adventure. :) I'll try to update throughout the day.

***Edit***

Obviously I didn't update throughout the day.  However, since I have time, would like to do a wrap. 

I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  What a great opportunity to play in an ensemble of peers, and meet new people.  Also, to watch and study conduct.  Such a great experience.  I cannot say enough good things about it.  I believe that everyone should take the time to do it.

Heaven

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Always and Now

Here are some more Scott Alan lyrics. The first is "Always" off of the new "Keys" album. The second is "Now" off of "Dreaming Wide Awake." Enjoy.

"Always"

If there are times
You find that you are feeling weak
Lie next to me
I'll hold you til you fall asleep
At any time of day
There's nothing to explain
I'm always on your side

Hold on to me
I'll steal you from the hardest days
Don't be afraid
You have me here to guide your way

Through storms I will be here
I will not disappear
I'm always by your side
Always

Hand on my heart
I promise I will see you through
When pain arrives
I'll be right here to hold on to
With laughter and with prayer
I promise I'll be there
Always by your side

At any time of day
There's nothing to explain
I'm always on your side


"Now"

Hey, I got your message
That you stopped by the apartment
No worries
Leave your things here for one more day

I don't know why this happened
My life is dark as hell without you
The room feels so much colder
Since you went away

Ryan, I don't want this
Can't we sit and talk this through
I'm losing sleep and I need you
To come back home to me
Now

Since your brother's birthday is Friday
I sent a card from both of us
The day before there was no us
How was I to know

Don't worry about your clothes and all
Maybe I will pack them up
Make this easier on both of us
Well, just for you

Cause everything is breaking down now
Since you've been gone
I don't even know the days
I don't know where to start
I'm in agony
There are times I can't breathe
Now

So, I guess that's it
Sorry for this message
Your bags will all be waiting
When you arrive

I hope you're doing well
Now

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Stupid people

We have liberated the stupid people. Just because the new president is black doesn't mean that those of color have to do nothing and are exempt from rules. OMG!! I'm generally not racist and hate to lump all people into the stupid category but for the love of all things sacred. Pull your head out and move on.

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My creativity

I am a band director.  My art is crafting sound.  However, I dabble in writing a little of everything.  Mostly it's my attempt to put on paper the things that I can never seem to say out loud.  And it's always a good way to remember, to hope, and to dream.

Here is something I wrote December 26, 2008.  As I find more stuff that I've written (I'm forever hiding it from myself) I'll post it.  

-----------------------------------------------------------

Isn't it funny how quickly things change.

I never could've imagined being here,

Lying next to you as you sleep.

I watch your chest rise and fall.

The silence that surrounds us is

Peaceful, comfortable.

I hear only you breathing and the traffic as it passes by..

Knowing you for as long as I've known you makes this easier.

But things are different between us now.

We can never go back to the way things were.

I know that when the sun comes up

You will go and look out the window.

You will take in the snow and we will talk

Of the day that lies ahead

You go take your shower.  

I remain as I was under the covers.

After you shower you lay down next to me again

Taking me in your arms

Almost as if you'd rather stay than face the day

We both have our own agenda

And hope that maybe our paths will cross again

Before nightfall comes.

Seeing you among all of those people

Was like a breath of fresh air

You, so in your element

Me, so out of mine

Afraid to stand and talk for too long.

Afraid other people would see.

A simple wave, maybe a word or two

Always knowing as night fell

I would be in your arms again

My head on your chest

Hearing your heart beat

Even now, nearly a week later,

I can still feel your touch.

Through all of the craziness since returning

I have found solitude in what once was a dream.

A dream that so quickly became a reality

And a wonderful memory.

Of course, I realize opportunies like that

May not present themselves again.

Our time is and will always be very limited.

However, what happened will forever change us.

We can never go back to what we were.

We can only move forward and become what we are.

Time and distance

Circumstance.

These things will keep us apart.

And after the initial grieving period

I don't expect we'll communicate much

I have been here before and know how this works.

So far, you have surpassed communication expectations.

However, it will break down, and when it does,

Know that I will thinking about you every day.

You fill my dreams, my thoughts and my prayers.

Godspeed my lover.  My friend.

Hello friends,

I was cleaning out some stuff today and found a love note from an ex.  It's kind of sweet...well, it was kind of sweet at the time, until I figured out he was a crazy man.  The ink is faded, so this is more of an archive than anything else.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Charya,

I am writing this to you because I can no longer hold this in.  I WANT to be with you.  I WANT you to be with me.  But what has happened?  4 weeks ago you wanted to be with me.  You would call and we would meet-if only for a few minutes.  You wanted to hold my hand.  You wanted to kiss me.  Now you want nothing to do with me.  I don't understand.  I thought I showed you how much I cared about you.  How much I love you.  Is that what scares you?  You told me you didn't want to get burned.  Honey, none of us do.  

I remember when I first wanted to express my love for you, but I was scared and unsure.  You told me to go ahead and not be afraid.  I did, and look where I am now.  Without my girlfriend in my arms with a deep hole in my heart that hurts a little more everyday I don't have you.  

It's time for you to step up and tell me what you REALLY feel.  I want to believe that you will tell me that you care about me.  That you have feelings for me.  That you love me.

I want to believe all of that but if you don't share your feelings with me I don't know what to do.  It's simply one way or another.  Either you want to be with me-be my girlfriend and we can share our lives together.  Or you don't want to be with me.  In which case I'll understand - kind of.  So I will know to stop dreaming of you.  To stop wanting you.

So it's up to you.  You must open up and tell me what your heart says.  Whatever the answer, I swear you won't get burned.  

I am hoping what you will tell me - and preaying, that you want a relationship with me.  That I can be your man and that you will be my woman.  I care for you SO much.  I have great plans for the both of us.  I have told you these things many times, and I will say them just once more.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose you.  I don't want to live my life without you.  If your answer is no, you don't want to be with me, I understand.  I promise I won't bother you ever again.  I will just move on with an empty sadness in my soul of what we could have been together.

Always my love for you,

Pat

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So, here are my comments to this...he was a pot smoking, bar owner who in the end I was afraid of.  He loved me so much, he came to a band concert of mine blitzed.  Now THAT is love.  Needless to say, that didn't last long.  It was, however, the only year that I actually had a date on Valentine's Day.  

My friends....I sure know how to pick them.  

More later.

Love and hugs!

Kiss the Air

Here is something else about me...I love lyrics. I recently stumbled across an album on itunes that looked good. It was "Dreaming Wide Awake" the music of Scott Alan. Today I had my iPod on shuffle (you all would laugh if you saw my music collection) and heard for the first time one of the songs off the album. I instantly fell in love. Here are the lyrics. I promise I'll update better later.

"Kiss the Air"
By Scott Alan

If I stayed with you
I would live a lie
For you deserve a love
This heart cannot provide
So I'll wish you well
And be on my way

I'm not the one who could give you what you need
So I'll bid you farewell but don't you dare watch me leave


I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up
And thank me for what I did
When you're living your happy life
Behind your white fence, new husband and kids

Like a captured bird
Who yearns to sail the sky
I will unlock your cage now
So prepare to fly
And I'll kiss the air
And hope it finds you well
Goodbye

I'm not the one who could give you what you need
So I'll bid you farewell but don't you dare watch me leave

I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up
And thank me for what I did
When you're living you happy life behind
Your white fence, new husband and kids

I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up and
Thank me for what I did
When you're living your happy life
Behind your white fence, new husband and kid

So I'll kiss the air and hope it finds you well
Goodbye

Hope you enjoy!!

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Hi all!! 

I have no idea who will read this, but here goes nothing...  The cliff notes version is this...I like to write things down.  Sometimes I'm really bad about updating, but I'm going to try to update fairly often.  I'm currently teaching middle school band in Oklahoma City.  Today I started teaching a new class.  A special Ed. Music class.  I have some very mixed feelings about this class, but it is my hope that it will be a fun educational experience for the kids.  Also, I love a challenge.

People say I'm very passionate about what I do.  I'm one of those teachers who teach because it's what I have to do.  Not just a job.  My favorite moments in life are where the light bulb clicks for my kids.  Even though they sometimes make me crazy, I love each and every one of them.  Although they might die if they ever heard me say that.  

My plan is to use this blog as a record of my journey both in the classroom and out of it.  Feel free to leave comments or whatever!!

Happy reading.

CW