Thoughts on Sugar Beach

It is never good for me to have an extended amount of "down" time.  My overactive mind makes up for all of the things that are actually NOT happening.  Tomorrow, I will be productive, because today got me way too far into my head.  

I've just started the book "The House at Sugar Beach".  So far, it's pretty good...a little slow to start, but it's starting to get pretty interesting.  I like stories with historical value, and this is most definitely one of them.  It is about a woman who grew up in Liberia before the coup in 1980.  I'm sure as I get further into the book I will write more about it.  However, this evening, the thought that I have been pondering is this.."We are all slaves to our own demons."  

We are all slaves to the things that make us who and what we are.  I have had ample opportunity to reflect.  And as I typed that last sentence, I hear Nick Nolte's voice and I can see the scene right as the movie Prince of Tides is ending where he's talking about saying "Lowenstein" as he crosses the bridge on the way home every day.  

I think that over all, I am a slave to fear.  So much of my life has been spent in "fight or flight" mode.  I constantly live with the "I'll never be good enough" cloud hanging over my head.  When I was in college, there were days that I thought, "Why did they ever let me in here?  I'm not good enough to be here.  I'm not like any of these people."  I have always struggled to fit in, and am generally uncomfortable in my own skin.  

I think of a quote one of my friends always says,  "Do you do what you do to be who you are, or to get away from who you are?"  I don't even know if I can answer that question.  What I do is so much a part of who I am, and in thinking back on a time not so long ago that it was questionable whether or not I would be capable of doing that thing, I found myself so lost.  It's funny that even with all of that, I still question whether or not I am capable of being a good teacher or more specifically, a good band director.  There are some people that would say that my questioning all of those things is what makes me good at what I do.  I'm not so sure.  I think in many ways, it is a liability.  

One of my clarinet students reminds me so much of me in many ways.  I feel like such a hypocrite when I say things like, "All you have to do is believe in yourself.  Believe that you can do it.  You can play this stuff.  Breathe and blow.  Play for you!"  Those are all things that I want my students to be able to do, but those are things that to this day I have issues with!  

I feel that it is much easier to believe in other people.  It's much easier to support other people than it is to believe in oneself.  However, the more I think about that statement, the more I wonder if it is truly possible to believe in other people if one doesn't believe in oneself.  AND, how twisted is it to believe in something you have no control over, yet dismiss the things that you know are true.  It is twisted, however, it is easier to see the good in other people than it is to look in the mirror and see the good in oneself.  

I was reading one of those filly-outty survey things earlier today and one of the questions was, "What would you change about yourself?"  I think my answer would have to be nothing.  The events of my life have shaped who I am.  If I weren't me, then I might not be doing what I do, and I might not have the friends that I have.  But, just because that's my answer doesn't mean I don't think about it.  Who would I be had my family always been behind me 100%?  Who would I be if I spent less time being afraid to try new things and more time trying them?  

All of this is easy for me to say, but can I just tell you, trying new things scares the hell out of me.  Most people don't know of my inner demons.  I choose not to share those.  I don't often talk of family or hopes or dreams.  Speaking of those things makes me really uncomfortable.  I was talking with someone the other day and I said something like, "Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm just a really good faker."    Good faker or not, all of these issues are constantly something I battle.  

This has gone way too deep for this time of night.  I believe it is time for me to stop rambling now.  I hope you are all doing well.

Godspeed, dear friends.