Since school has started, there has been a lot that has happened. I'm always amazed at how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Situations, friends...I guess that's all part of life, however, I'm really struggling with this one.
When I lived with my mom, I always thought that my friends never came over to the house to hang out because I lived with my mom. So, I always went to them. Then I moved. My friends still don't come over. You see, what I've realized is that, it was convenient when I lived with my mom because I always went to them. There was no responsibility to come to me. The funny thing is, I moved out. There are no rules as to when people can or can't come over...and still, no one is here. I don't remember the last time a friend came over to just spend time with me. I don't remember the last time a friend called me just to see what was going on, or if everything was okay. I don't remember the last time I got a text that wasn't from facebook, or work related.
I guess what I'm saying is all of my "friends" were on the committee for me to move out of my mom's house. Do I regret that I did? Well, the jury is still out on that, but had I known that I was going to feel so alone and abandoned I might not have done it. I felt so pressured to take that step and stupidly thought that my friends would continue to be there and would continue to support me. What I didn't realize was it was them saying, "Get your own place so you stop bugging the shit out of me." I wish I would've seen it then. I wish I would've seen that talking to me or spending time with me was a burden. I would've walked away sooner. I would've gotten out to save myself before all of this happened.
I am a burden to everyone I love. What is wrong with me? Why does this always happen? Is my lot in life to always be alone?
My consolation prize? I've finally realized I'll never be a part of the club. Always the odd one out, the last person anyone ever things of. Never good enough, but in seeking approval and acceptance will do anything for anyone. Stupid, I know. I'm soon to be 28 and still seeking acceptance. Acceptance I will never find anywhere. I have never felt so alone.
I don't know, maybe I should just pack it up and start over. Move to the mountains, or the beach. Somewhere I don't know anyone, then I would expect to feel this way. Maybe I'll just find my rock to crawl under and wake up in a new life. One where people love me for who I am and have and want to spend time with me. I want to find a place where I fit in, where people understand me, and if they don't, they love me anyway.
I don't know that I'll ever find any of that, but I do hope that sometime soon, I am able to accept all that has happened with people I would've done anything for. I hope I am able to understand how people can be so hurtful, even if they don't mean to be. I hope I am able to understand how someone who supposedly cares about you can see you hurting and just walk away. I hope I am able to press forward and leave this all behind me. I hope I am able to trust again, to open up to love and be loved.
Charya -
ReplyDeleteSaw your fb status and thought I'd check out your blog - such a wonderfully honest update but I'm sad to see that things are so frustrating - goodness knows we haven't talked in forever, but without distracting from your own thoughts and emotions (cause it drives me nuts when people do that) I relate to and understand what you've written here. I don't have an answer - but you are in my mind and thoughts and prayers - I hope that something or someone comes along to cheer you up and try to remember that even though often the ones we love the most are the ones who can indirectly hurt our feelings the most without realizing it, they do care....they just don't always understand.
Sincerely,
Sarah mac.
You're not alone. I do understand what you're talking about and it sucks. It really sucks!
ReplyDeleteI always did the same and went to my friends apartments or wherever, but they never came to my place. I hate to say it, but I'm kinda guessing that people get in a funk for a while and just don't think of others. Many become self-centered. Know what I mean? I'd like to think that this will pass with age and experience.
I've never felt as alone as I've felt during the past 2 1/2 years. Living in STL hasn't been easy by any means. I've only had a couple friends visit from OKC and the same goes for David. The job market is pitiful at best and I just sit at home all day. It's pretty lonesome. I'd love to take mini-roadtrips to Chicago, visit nearby wineries, etc, but that wouldn't be any fun by myself and we really don't have the funds.
So how do people at our age make new friends? I honestly believe it would be easier for me to find a male date than it would be to find a female friend. 2 1/2 years here and my ONLY friends are Med Students. They have the same crazy busy schedule as David and I don't get to see them often. Oh, and guess what we all discuss when we're together? Med School. It never ends.
Well, this just opens up a whole can of worms and I get upset and can't even think straight. So let's just say that you're lonely and I'm lonely..... there are 500 miles between us but we're only a phone call away. It would be nice to talk about something other than bowels, babies, neurological disease, and freakin' Residency programs.
Well, I'll send you my number via facebook and you can call me sometime if that's what you'd like to do... then I'll start calling you. Sometimes people like me just don't know there are lonely people back in OKC.
Hang in there! **Hugs**