Death Came and Got Me

As you all have probably figured out, I am a big fan of lyrics.  I find it interesting that certain lyrics strike me differently pending on what's going on in my life.  Currently I'm in a major holding pattern, and it's killing me.  But, there is nothing I can do but wait.  However, part of me wishes I could just leave the majority of this behind me and start over.  I know that isn't possible, and I will have to deal with the results, no matter what they may be.

Here are some lyrics I heard on my way home this afternoon.  Although I relate to most of the lyrics, there are three lines that I relate to very well.

Death Came And Got Me 

By Rosie Thomas

I can't, I can't stop crying
Everyday I’m so afraid
Afraid of dying
Death already came and got me
Cause I’m not living...
I'm not living anyway...

And who am i supposed to be?
Everybody seems to see except for me
Who cares anyway....
Cause when it's over,
It's all over, and what you gain you throw away

When will love ever find me?
All my life all I’ve craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway...
Cause when it's over,
All that matters is the love you gave away

Stand Back Up

"Stand Back Up" by Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot, 
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, 
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before, 
I may stumble, yeah I might fall, 
Only human aren't we all? 
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say, 

I will stand back up, 
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough, 
Sometimes im afraid, and i don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up, 

I've been beaten up and bruised, 
I've been kicked right off my shoes, 
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe, 
When the darkness tries to get me, 
There's a light that just wont let me, 
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, 
But I'll stand back up, 

I've weathered all these stroms, 
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly, 
What don't kill you makes you stronger, 
When I take my last breath, 
That's when I'll just give up, 

So, go ahead to take your best shot, 
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got, 
You might win this round but you can't keep me down, 

'Cause I'll stand back up, 
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough, 
Sometimes im afraid and I don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up, 

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough, 
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, 
But I'll stand back up.

Contest

I just had to justify to my Mother as I have had to justify with the rest of the world why I did not take my kids to contest today.  Does anyone else want to jump on that train?  Does anyone else want to tell me what is right for MY kids?  Does anyone else want to criticize or judge me for what I do or do not do?

I'm not going to justify here why I did not go, but I will say that until you spend some time in my classroom, you do not have the right to say anything about what I do with my kids.

Why is it that the people that are supposed to support me....friends, family are the ones that consistently knock me down and then kick me.  

I hate people.  I hate that people are causing me to question my ability to do what I do.  I hate that people have caused me to feel so lost.  I hate that I don't know who I am, but have a pretty good idea of who I'm not.  I hate that I was terrified today when I walked into the bandroom and saw the one person I could live the rest of my life without seeing ever again.  And I hate that the things that he did to me in the past still affect me today.  Most of all, I hate that I have allowed this to happen.  I hate that I am so insecure that I am questioning all of these things.  I hate that someday everything he and my parents said will come true.  And I hate for the 4th night in a row, I will cry myself to sleep.

My Favorite Time of Day

I've decided that my favorite time of day is my commute to school in the morning.  I know, you are all thinking I'm crazy for saying that a commute is my favorite time of day, so let me explain.

When the season is just right, I am driving on Airport Road and as I round the corner where the road straightens out before the MacArthur exit, I can see the sun, as it is rising reflecting off of the downtown skyline.  It is absolutely gorgeous.

I don't know why I feel like sharing this tonight, but that's what I'm been holding on to.  The sky as the sun rises over downtown.  Kind of silly, really, but it is what it is.

What a Weekend

Wow.  I don't even know where to start.  We finished up our run of "Thoroughly Modern Millie."  Everyone involved with the show did such a wonderful job, and I am proud of all of them!!  It wasn't an easy show to put together, but it all worked out!!!  I was very proud, and honored to be a part of it.  

My first clue that Friday was not going to be a good day...I forgot my good friend Jack's birthday.  I NEVER forget his birthday.  We MET on his birthday.  I felt awful.

I am not ready to talk about the rest of the frustrations and disappointments that Friday brought.  I will just say that I was oh so glad when it was over.  I'm the type of person who can be very disappointed, but tries to be very understanding.  My being understanding doesn't mean that the disappointment doesn't hurt or that it's okay.  It just means that I try to realize that in situations where people are concerned, anything goes.  So, after having a crappy day at school (so crappy that I came home to take a nap and cried myself to sleep and I HATE CRYING!!) and then events before the show, I really tried to throw up my walls, all to no avail. 

I try so hard to protect myself, to protect my heart.  Of course it never works out, so I don't even know why I try.  Actually, where I generally get into trouble is when I trust people.  I don't know why I always have hope that things will be different, that people will follow through when they say they're going to do something.  I take responsibility for part of it.  It's partly my fault, because I allowed myself to get my hopes up.  Such a stupid thing to do where people are concerned.  I won't let it happen again.  I can't.  I can't deal with the fallout.  I would think that the people that are close to me that know me, that know of my family and my past would know that.  Apparently I'm really good at hiding that part of me.  Needless to say, I had to pull myself together to play the show, which is not always an easy thing for me to do.

Saturday was OYS Guest Conductor rehearsal day.  The conductor was great and I believe that it was a good experience for the kids.  The day, overall, was quite frustrating and hurtful.  Throwing up walls is my way of not having to deal with what I'm feeling.  In turn, this means that things start to snowball.  Saturday, we have our staff meeting.  Fine.  Some of the stuff we talked about really bothered me, however, I'm just the grunt of the organization, so my thoughts or opinions don't matter even though I have devoted 15 years of my life to their cause.  I'm good enough to be the "sub" but not good enough to be included in any of the "big boy" conductor things...like, lunch with the guest, or even being introduced to the guest.  That might've been nice, and such a novel idea.  I'm on the conducting staff, for Heaven's sake!!!  "We want you to be a part of our team when it's convenient for us."  "You are only a part of the team when we need you to bail us out."  That's what everything that happened Saturday morning said to me.  Up go the walls.

Saturday night at the show I was not in a great mood.  I was really just trying to hold it all together.  I walk in, get my stuff out..no big deal.  We're about half way through the first act and the conductor gives the count off for a tune and all of the sudden the box starts playing and I start playing and we're a beat apart and I couldn't catch it.  I had no idea where we were in the midst of the stupid opening of the stupid song.  So, I stopped playing.  Keep in mind, when I started playing, I was with the conductor!!!  Apparently she and I were both wrong.  Great...  well, that was the FINAL straw.  I could hold it together no longer.  I freaking cried through the rest of the first act.  I almost couldn't play.  It was AWESOME!!  I felt so stupid and I was so angry at myself.  It took all I had not to pack my stuff at intermission and go home.  Of course, I may have wanted to pack and run, but I would never do that.  I couldn't ever do that.  That's not who I am.

Sunday morning I get up and head back to Edmond for the concert and more Guest Conductor fun.  Should be an easy day, right?  Well, one thing I can't stand is people that think they are too good to do something like take tickets, sell tickets, greet parents...whatever needs to be done.  There was a conductor who actually laughed at me for doing those things.  I wanted to punch him in the face.  I was NOT a happy person.  Here he is, supposed to be a leader, and he is to good to do the menial tasks.  And we wonder why our kids are the way they are??  Give me a break.  I'm a firm believer of doing what needs to be done, because it needs to be done.  

I'm so tired of feeling like I don't fit anywhere.  I'm very lost professionally and personally right now, and I feel like I'm all alone.  Like no one understands, or care to try.  Part of that is my fault.  The walls are up and it doesn't look like they're coming down any time soon.  For those of you that don't know...this is called a full shutdown.

Ironically, in the midst of all of this crap, a friend that I hadn't spoken to for 3 months (long story) called.  It's like he always knows when things are falling apart, even from 1500 miles away.  I appreciate that, and am glad we got to talk, even though it was a fairly short conversation.  I needed a friend, and of all the people...well, I never expected it to be him.

I'm going to close this out with a few postsecrets....Enjoy

goodnight

Here are some more Scott Alan lyrics. "Goodnight" from "Dreaming Wide Awake".

Dry away the tears
Lay aside your fears
No more pain for my love
I am here now go to sleep

And when the angels come
I know that they will treat you well
That they will pull you through
And lift you up from all that's held you down
There's a heaven up there
And it waits just for you

So close your eyes and dream
And there will be a world you once knew
A world without pain
That has stuck with you for far too long
A world that does contain a love like mine
To watch you grow strong

And when my time arrives
Please wait and make a place for me
For when I do arrive
Your face should be the first face I see

So dry away the tears
Lay aside your fears
No more pain for my love
It is time
Now go to sleep

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

dreams and lyrics

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until the time you lay your head to rest at night??

Today is one of those days. I woke up this morning with a tune in my head. I couldn't figure out what it was, and I couldn't stop humming it. Finally after eighth grade band, it clicked. "Hello" by Lionel Richie. Why is this song stuck?? I have no idea. I haven't listened to it in weeks, maybe even months. But there it is. What in my subconscious has triggered this tune, and these lyrics?? Did I dream about it last night and not remember the dream?

Well I have NO idea. But they are good ones, so I'll share them.

"Hello"

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams we've kissed a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying... I love you

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

dream

I just woke up from the most awful dream. I hate that!! It was one of those that started pretty good and then kinda got a little weird them boom! Out of nowhere turns horrible.

The cliff notes version... This dream consisted of a great date. Running into an old friend who was included in the after party. Me pissing my date off and ultimately, after my old friend staked her claim on my date/boyfriend, my leaving the cabin upset and getting lost in the woods wandering around crying.

Horrible, awful, weird. At least I woke up before the ax murderer or being eaten by some critter.

Now to try to get some rest.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Thoughts on Sugar Beach

It is never good for me to have an extended amount of "down" time.  My overactive mind makes up for all of the things that are actually NOT happening.  Tomorrow, I will be productive, because today got me way too far into my head.  

I've just started the book "The House at Sugar Beach".  So far, it's pretty good...a little slow to start, but it's starting to get pretty interesting.  I like stories with historical value, and this is most definitely one of them.  It is about a woman who grew up in Liberia before the coup in 1980.  I'm sure as I get further into the book I will write more about it.  However, this evening, the thought that I have been pondering is this.."We are all slaves to our own demons."  

We are all slaves to the things that make us who and what we are.  I have had ample opportunity to reflect.  And as I typed that last sentence, I hear Nick Nolte's voice and I can see the scene right as the movie Prince of Tides is ending where he's talking about saying "Lowenstein" as he crosses the bridge on the way home every day.  

I think that over all, I am a slave to fear.  So much of my life has been spent in "fight or flight" mode.  I constantly live with the "I'll never be good enough" cloud hanging over my head.  When I was in college, there were days that I thought, "Why did they ever let me in here?  I'm not good enough to be here.  I'm not like any of these people."  I have always struggled to fit in, and am generally uncomfortable in my own skin.  

I think of a quote one of my friends always says,  "Do you do what you do to be who you are, or to get away from who you are?"  I don't even know if I can answer that question.  What I do is so much a part of who I am, and in thinking back on a time not so long ago that it was questionable whether or not I would be capable of doing that thing, I found myself so lost.  It's funny that even with all of that, I still question whether or not I am capable of being a good teacher or more specifically, a good band director.  There are some people that would say that my questioning all of those things is what makes me good at what I do.  I'm not so sure.  I think in many ways, it is a liability.  

One of my clarinet students reminds me so much of me in many ways.  I feel like such a hypocrite when I say things like, "All you have to do is believe in yourself.  Believe that you can do it.  You can play this stuff.  Breathe and blow.  Play for you!"  Those are all things that I want my students to be able to do, but those are things that to this day I have issues with!  

I feel that it is much easier to believe in other people.  It's much easier to support other people than it is to believe in oneself.  However, the more I think about that statement, the more I wonder if it is truly possible to believe in other people if one doesn't believe in oneself.  AND, how twisted is it to believe in something you have no control over, yet dismiss the things that you know are true.  It is twisted, however, it is easier to see the good in other people than it is to look in the mirror and see the good in oneself.  

I was reading one of those filly-outty survey things earlier today and one of the questions was, "What would you change about yourself?"  I think my answer would have to be nothing.  The events of my life have shaped who I am.  If I weren't me, then I might not be doing what I do, and I might not have the friends that I have.  But, just because that's my answer doesn't mean I don't think about it.  Who would I be had my family always been behind me 100%?  Who would I be if I spent less time being afraid to try new things and more time trying them?  

All of this is easy for me to say, but can I just tell you, trying new things scares the hell out of me.  Most people don't know of my inner demons.  I choose not to share those.  I don't often talk of family or hopes or dreams.  Speaking of those things makes me really uncomfortable.  I was talking with someone the other day and I said something like, "Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm just a really good faker."    Good faker or not, all of these issues are constantly something I battle.  

This has gone way too deep for this time of night.  I believe it is time for me to stop rambling now.  I hope you are all doing well.

Godspeed, dear friends.

music store clinic...

Ok. I made it to Tulsa. This lady just walked in with a hat comparable to the Aretha Franklin inaugural hat minus the bow. Today's goal...get a picture of it.

This will prove to be an adventure. :) I'll try to update throughout the day.

***Edit***

Obviously I didn't update throughout the day.  However, since I have time, would like to do a wrap. 

I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  What a great opportunity to play in an ensemble of peers, and meet new people.  Also, to watch and study conduct.  Such a great experience.  I cannot say enough good things about it.  I believe that everyone should take the time to do it.

Heaven

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Always and Now

Here are some more Scott Alan lyrics. The first is "Always" off of the new "Keys" album. The second is "Now" off of "Dreaming Wide Awake." Enjoy.

"Always"

If there are times
You find that you are feeling weak
Lie next to me
I'll hold you til you fall asleep
At any time of day
There's nothing to explain
I'm always on your side

Hold on to me
I'll steal you from the hardest days
Don't be afraid
You have me here to guide your way

Through storms I will be here
I will not disappear
I'm always by your side
Always

Hand on my heart
I promise I will see you through
When pain arrives
I'll be right here to hold on to
With laughter and with prayer
I promise I'll be there
Always by your side

At any time of day
There's nothing to explain
I'm always on your side


"Now"

Hey, I got your message
That you stopped by the apartment
No worries
Leave your things here for one more day

I don't know why this happened
My life is dark as hell without you
The room feels so much colder
Since you went away

Ryan, I don't want this
Can't we sit and talk this through
I'm losing sleep and I need you
To come back home to me
Now

Since your brother's birthday is Friday
I sent a card from both of us
The day before there was no us
How was I to know

Don't worry about your clothes and all
Maybe I will pack them up
Make this easier on both of us
Well, just for you

Cause everything is breaking down now
Since you've been gone
I don't even know the days
I don't know where to start
I'm in agony
There are times I can't breathe
Now

So, I guess that's it
Sorry for this message
Your bags will all be waiting
When you arrive

I hope you're doing well
Now

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Stupid people

We have liberated the stupid people. Just because the new president is black doesn't mean that those of color have to do nothing and are exempt from rules. OMG!! I'm generally not racist and hate to lump all people into the stupid category but for the love of all things sacred. Pull your head out and move on.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

My creativity

I am a band director.  My art is crafting sound.  However, I dabble in writing a little of everything.  Mostly it's my attempt to put on paper the things that I can never seem to say out loud.  And it's always a good way to remember, to hope, and to dream.

Here is something I wrote December 26, 2008.  As I find more stuff that I've written (I'm forever hiding it from myself) I'll post it.  

-----------------------------------------------------------

Isn't it funny how quickly things change.

I never could've imagined being here,

Lying next to you as you sleep.

I watch your chest rise and fall.

The silence that surrounds us is

Peaceful, comfortable.

I hear only you breathing and the traffic as it passes by..

Knowing you for as long as I've known you makes this easier.

But things are different between us now.

We can never go back to the way things were.

I know that when the sun comes up

You will go and look out the window.

You will take in the snow and we will talk

Of the day that lies ahead

You go take your shower.  

I remain as I was under the covers.

After you shower you lay down next to me again

Taking me in your arms

Almost as if you'd rather stay than face the day

We both have our own agenda

And hope that maybe our paths will cross again

Before nightfall comes.

Seeing you among all of those people

Was like a breath of fresh air

You, so in your element

Me, so out of mine

Afraid to stand and talk for too long.

Afraid other people would see.

A simple wave, maybe a word or two

Always knowing as night fell

I would be in your arms again

My head on your chest

Hearing your heart beat

Even now, nearly a week later,

I can still feel your touch.

Through all of the craziness since returning

I have found solitude in what once was a dream.

A dream that so quickly became a reality

And a wonderful memory.

Of course, I realize opportunies like that

May not present themselves again.

Our time is and will always be very limited.

However, what happened will forever change us.

We can never go back to what we were.

We can only move forward and become what we are.

Time and distance

Circumstance.

These things will keep us apart.

And after the initial grieving period

I don't expect we'll communicate much

I have been here before and know how this works.

So far, you have surpassed communication expectations.

However, it will break down, and when it does,

Know that I will thinking about you every day.

You fill my dreams, my thoughts and my prayers.

Godspeed my lover.  My friend.

Hello friends,

I was cleaning out some stuff today and found a love note from an ex.  It's kind of sweet...well, it was kind of sweet at the time, until I figured out he was a crazy man.  The ink is faded, so this is more of an archive than anything else.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Charya,

I am writing this to you because I can no longer hold this in.  I WANT to be with you.  I WANT you to be with me.  But what has happened?  4 weeks ago you wanted to be with me.  You would call and we would meet-if only for a few minutes.  You wanted to hold my hand.  You wanted to kiss me.  Now you want nothing to do with me.  I don't understand.  I thought I showed you how much I cared about you.  How much I love you.  Is that what scares you?  You told me you didn't want to get burned.  Honey, none of us do.  

I remember when I first wanted to express my love for you, but I was scared and unsure.  You told me to go ahead and not be afraid.  I did, and look where I am now.  Without my girlfriend in my arms with a deep hole in my heart that hurts a little more everyday I don't have you.  

It's time for you to step up and tell me what you REALLY feel.  I want to believe that you will tell me that you care about me.  That you have feelings for me.  That you love me.

I want to believe all of that but if you don't share your feelings with me I don't know what to do.  It's simply one way or another.  Either you want to be with me-be my girlfriend and we can share our lives together.  Or you don't want to be with me.  In which case I'll understand - kind of.  So I will know to stop dreaming of you.  To stop wanting you.

So it's up to you.  You must open up and tell me what your heart says.  Whatever the answer, I swear you won't get burned.  

I am hoping what you will tell me - and preaying, that you want a relationship with me.  That I can be your man and that you will be my woman.  I care for you SO much.  I have great plans for the both of us.  I have told you these things many times, and I will say them just once more.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose you.  I don't want to live my life without you.  If your answer is no, you don't want to be with me, I understand.  I promise I won't bother you ever again.  I will just move on with an empty sadness in my soul of what we could have been together.

Always my love for you,

Pat

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So, here are my comments to this...he was a pot smoking, bar owner who in the end I was afraid of.  He loved me so much, he came to a band concert of mine blitzed.  Now THAT is love.  Needless to say, that didn't last long.  It was, however, the only year that I actually had a date on Valentine's Day.  

My friends....I sure know how to pick them.  

More later.

Love and hugs!

Kiss the Air

Here is something else about me...I love lyrics. I recently stumbled across an album on itunes that looked good. It was "Dreaming Wide Awake" the music of Scott Alan. Today I had my iPod on shuffle (you all would laugh if you saw my music collection) and heard for the first time one of the songs off the album. I instantly fell in love. Here are the lyrics. I promise I'll update better later.

"Kiss the Air"
By Scott Alan

If I stayed with you
I would live a lie
For you deserve a love
This heart cannot provide
So I'll wish you well
And be on my way

I'm not the one who could give you what you need
So I'll bid you farewell but don't you dare watch me leave


I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up
And thank me for what I did
When you're living your happy life
Behind your white fence, new husband and kids

Like a captured bird
Who yearns to sail the sky
I will unlock your cage now
So prepare to fly
And I'll kiss the air
And hope it finds you well
Goodbye

I'm not the one who could give you what you need
So I'll bid you farewell but don't you dare watch me leave

I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up
And thank me for what I did
When you're living you happy life behind
Your white fence, new husband and kids

I didn't mean to hurt you this way
But I'm not what you need so
I guess I'll just be on my way
One day you'll wake up and
Thank me for what I did
When you're living your happy life
Behind your white fence, new husband and kid

So I'll kiss the air and hope it finds you well
Goodbye

Hope you enjoy!!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hi all!! 

I have no idea who will read this, but here goes nothing...  The cliff notes version is this...I like to write things down.  Sometimes I'm really bad about updating, but I'm going to try to update fairly often.  I'm currently teaching middle school band in Oklahoma City.  Today I started teaching a new class.  A special Ed. Music class.  I have some very mixed feelings about this class, but it is my hope that it will be a fun educational experience for the kids.  Also, I love a challenge.

People say I'm very passionate about what I do.  I'm one of those teachers who teach because it's what I have to do.  Not just a job.  My favorite moments in life are where the light bulb clicks for my kids.  Even though they sometimes make me crazy, I love each and every one of them.  Although they might die if they ever heard me say that.  

My plan is to use this blog as a record of my journey both in the classroom and out of it.  Feel free to leave comments or whatever!!

Happy reading.

CW